God recently visited First Presbyterian Church in Fayetteville, N.C., The Onion reports.
It was a surprise visit, the Lord announced: “I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt. Thought I’d just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I’m not even here.”
It’s a typically amusing piece from The Onion — and not overly irreverent, I might add.
I like this quote from a church member:
“I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn’t sure if it’s still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly. And I didn’t dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed.”
How many suburbanites wouldn’t be in the same shoes if God showed up to their church or synagogue?
The church’s pastor had his own concerns:
“Although, you’d think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter. Not that I’m complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?”
And, yes, God did stay for coffee and donuts.
If you like The Onion’s brand of humor (as I often do), you might get a kick out of this story:
DAYTON, TNâ€”A steady stream of devoted evolutionists continued to gather in this small Tennessee town today to witness what many believe is an image of Charles Darwinâ€”author of The Origin Of Species and founder of the modern evolutionary movementâ€”made manifest on a concrete wall in downtown Dayton.
There are a bunch of great fake quotes, like this one:
“I have never felt closer to Darwin’s ideas,” said zoologist Fred Granger, who waited in line for 16 hours to view the stain. “May his name be praised and his theories on natural selection echo in all the halls of naturalistic observation forever.”
And this one:
“It’s a stain on a wall, and nothing more,” said the Rev. Clement McCoy, a professor at Oral Roberts University and prominent opponent of evolutionary theory. “Anything else is the delusional fantasy of a fanatical evolutionist mindset that sees only what it wishes to see in the hopes of validating a baseless, illogical belief system. I only hope these heretics see the error of their ways before our Most Powerful God smites them all in His vengeance.”
I wondered yesterday what this T-shirt from the Onion could mean:
Well, someone referred me to this Onion “column” from 2006. It’s called “Are your cats old enough to learn about Jesus?”
The author, one Marian Byers, urges cat owners to have their cats saved. One snippet:
Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that’s not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.
So the big Pew Forum study showed that only 51 percent of Americans identity themselves as Protestants these days.
The always-funny Onion asked some “ordinary people:”
Since the 1980s, the percentage of Americans who identify themselves as Protestant has dropped from two-thirds to just 51 percent. What do you think?
Attorney at Law
“Then I’m really proud of my law firm’s commitment to diversity.”
And the second:
“And that 1 percent edge is all I need to be self-righteous and judgmental.”
Oh, heck, here’s the third and last:
Heating and Cooling Installer
“That’s because everyone started doing yoga and eating weird beans and stuff.”